Coming out to play

As I get ready to start my new year I think back on the past

o.0  thirty (ish)  0.o

years of my life. 

I know that I have been one lucky chick!!

I am forever grateful for the many things I have been blessed with. 

I have been blessed not to ever go with out something I have needed for survival. 

There were times that things were tight,

but I always have had food clothing and shelter, 

I have never been thirsty without a drink, or hungry with out a meal. 

it may have been water and a cup o noodles but it was there! 

I have had the opportunity for education, 

tho many times when I was younger I brushed this opportunity under the rug...

I have been employed when I needed employment 

and have never had to do work I did not want to do.

I of course had my burger (and taco) slinging days back in my youth 

but as I grew older, my jobs matured with me!! 

I have been lucky to be Loved, 

and have been to lucky to Love. 

Even though I have lost family I have loved, 

I was blessed to have them with me at all.

Throughout all this I have managed to be lost.

How in the world does a person so blessed wander off the path so badly... 

I seem to have been walking in circles so long that a rut is dug in the Earth 

so deep I can not step off the path. 

traping me... keeping me...boring me. 

I have struggled all these years to know who I am. 

Honestly I doubt I know who I am even now... 

I married the man I thought was perfect for me, 

10 years later we are still together, but I am left longing for more. 

No, not more men!

But more love, affection and attention 

from him. 

By the way he talks and treats me I wonder if I am even more than a maid and a whore for him. 

The sad thing is , I really don't care !!! 

I am OK if we split up, I am OK if we remain together... 

How corrupt is that!  

I sit here knowing the only reason we are together is that it is cheaper and more convenient to be so. 

I am OK with this...

Marriage counselor I am not LOL! 

The main regret I have in this is having lost myself along the way. 

I have bent to many times just to avoid the fight, shied away from talking to him for fear of boring him, throughout all this I have managed to squash my inner me. 

She is screaming for me to take charge, and in the past I have told her to STFU 

but now with the start of my journey I will unleash her!

She WILL be heard!!! 

She will be given what she needs to become who she needs to be! 

I will be the person of my dreams!

I dream of a more complete me... 

This WILL be the year I start the journey! 

I do not know if I will get all the answers I desire, 

but I will map out how to get there. 

My first step is to climb out of the rut I have trudged into the Earth... 

In order to do this I need to know WHO I want to be when the journey is done.  

Who am I now?

Right now I strive to be kind, caring, loved, and loving on a daily basis. 

I think those are the MAIN things in life, so I am good there

What else do I want?

I want to be bold, daring, forthright, and self assure. 

How will I get there??? 

oh hell I don't know!!

maybe if I start with one , I can put the rest in place behind that! 

To me the most important on that list is 

Self Assure

I will eat better, do Yoga, and hit the gym. 

If I feel and look better I am sure to make a good start at meeting this goal! 

Watch out world 

~Maeve~

is coming out to play!!!