As I get ready to start my new year I think back on the past
o.0 thirty (ish) 0.o
years of my life.
I know that I have been one lucky chick!!
I am forever grateful for the many things I have been blessed with.
I have been blessed not to ever go with out something I have needed for survival.
There were times that things were tight,
but I always have had food clothing and shelter,
I have never been thirsty without a drink, or hungry with out a meal.
it may have been water and a cup o noodles but it was there!
I have had the opportunity for education,
tho many times when I was younger I brushed this opportunity under the rug...
I have been employed when I needed employment
and have never had to do work I did not want to do.
I of course had my burger (and taco) slinging days back in my youth
but as I grew older, my jobs matured with me!!
I have been lucky to be Loved,
and have been to lucky to Love.
Even though I have lost family I have loved,
I was blessed to have them with me at all.
Throughout all this I have managed to be lost.
How in the world does a person so blessed wander off the path so badly...
I seem to have been walking in circles so long that a rut is dug in the Earth
so deep I can not step off the path.
traping me... keeping me...boring me.
I have struggled all these years to know who I am.
Honestly I doubt I know who I am even now...
I married the man I thought was perfect for me,
10 years later we are still together, but I am left longing for more.
No, not more men!
But more love, affection and attention
from him.
By the way he talks and treats me I wonder if I am even more than a maid and a whore for him.
The sad thing is , I really don't care !!!
I am OK if we split up, I am OK if we remain together...
How corrupt is that!
I sit here knowing the only reason we are together is that it is cheaper and more convenient to be so.
I am OK with this...
Marriage counselor I am not LOL!
The main regret I have in this is having lost myself along the way.
I have bent to many times just to avoid the fight, shied away from talking to him for fear of boring him, throughout all this I have managed to squash my inner me.
She is screaming for me to take charge, and in the past I have told her to STFU
but now with the start of my journey I will unleash her!
She WILL be heard!!!
She will be given what she needs to become who she needs to be!
I will be the person of my dreams!
I dream of a more complete me...
This WILL be the year I start the journey!
I do not know if I will get all the answers I desire,
but I will map out how to get there.
My first step is to climb out of the rut I have trudged into the Earth...
In order to do this I need to know WHO I want to be when the journey is done.
Who am I now?
Right now I strive to be kind, caring, loved, and loving on a daily basis.
I think those are the MAIN things in life, so I am good there
What else do I want?
I want to be bold, daring, forthright, and self assure.
How will I get there???
oh hell I don't know!!
maybe if I start with one , I can put the rest in place behind that!
To me the most important on that list is
Self Assure
I will eat better, do Yoga, and hit the gym.
If I feel and look better I am sure to make a good start at meeting this goal!
Watch out world
~Maeve~
is coming out to play!!!
